My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i wish my penis had a tongue
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize