i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
