the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
