I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
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