I think im going to throw up on grandma
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
