Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
