John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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