I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
If I die, sorry about rent.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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