She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
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