You're earring is so big in my mouth
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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