i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Randomize
