No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
