Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
