pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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