I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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