Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She bit a glass in half.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
