the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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