someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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