the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
