If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
