I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
a search helicopter?!
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I just blew my weed a kiss
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
