The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
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