You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
