So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
