I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
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