I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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