you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
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