I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I looked at my own cervix.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize