dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
