Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
