The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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