Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
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