I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
