Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Randomize
