hotel room ftw
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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