My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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