I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
