all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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