Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
