Need sex. Gaining weight.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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