my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
