3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I need a burrito and a hug.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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