Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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