I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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