toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Me. At least after what I've been through.
smell my finger.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
