I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
