I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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