mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
