Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize