I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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