4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
