Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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