You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
