To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
