Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize