If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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