I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
